Category: Solitude

DEARLY BELOVED 

we built our home on a lone dirt track that the map said not to follow
and when you went hunting rabbits I was huddled in the dawn
a darkened mass of wool and bone and bowls all lying empty
squatting like a child in the dirt to search for stones
answers hidden in the hardened prints of hooves and clawmarks
left by better beings as they watched us keeping warm

but the frosted earth tore back my nails and pulled my lungs to pieces
and I couldn’t find you anything of worth
so I trapped a little bird and watched her struggle with her noose
and pretending I was elsewhere broke her neck
for freedom loses meaning when the blood is running cold,
the only thing important is the silence

I’ll light a fire with what I’ve got and pray that you will find me
one clawed foot, one iron needle, the burning pitch of an evergreen
my shaking fingers stretch her wings and
nail her above our door with little hope you’ll find her
she’ll call to you,
I can no longer scream

march 7, 2017. jrw

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MISTS

you are
nobody
you are
nothing
you are the
absence
of bodies
and things

you are gone
from my skin
like a mist
or a phantom
you rose out
left some stains
nothing more

the clouds are red-black
and the wind
cools me down
i haven’t felt
the wind
in ages

_____NOTES FOR NO ONE

i’m sorry. you know this can never work.
je suis désólée. tu sais que ça ne peut rouler jamais.
jeg beklager, men du ved, at dette ikke kan gå.
ho sento però ja saps que això no pot sortir.
lo siento pero ya sabes que esto no puede salir.
it’s been years. have you forgotten?
ça fait du temps. t’as bien oublié ?
det har været år. har du glemt?
que fa anys. has oblidat?
ha sido años. has olvidado?

i hope that you get some daylight in

that you listen to heartbeats, eat sausages made from
pigs you met, stuff your face into big fluffy
roses

hope you squeeze tight
whoever you’re squeezin
squeeze ‘em good like
you used to squeeze me
(but not better)

hopin on hope you eat shit that you ripped from the
ground with your hands and stay dirty
if just a little
but always

hope you’ve come as far,
and as much,
and as many times
as i have
(though of course
i doubt that
very
much)

i promise

i did love you,

je promette
jeg lover
ho prometo
lo prometo
bien oui que je t’aimais, quoiqu’il étàit bref
jeg elskede dig, selvom på det forkerte tidspunkt
jo t’estimava, però no prou,

te quería, aunque por sólo un momento,

 

i could never lie about that

THE PILLOW

I knew the moment I saw the pillow that it would be an ace buy. just the look of the thing: the way it sat fatly atop a pile of its brothers, that stretchy-silk elastofabric bulging in the form of a heart, the faint shape of the beans inside pressing at it like little limbless fetuses captured in a space net. it was a relic of the fluorescent future, the most sickly shade of sugar-sweet lab-developed pink I’d seen for at least days (it was February.) the thing was surely one of the stupidest objects ere produced by living humans, marketed en masse to the European world. I saw it, hated it, carried it blushing to the counter and purchased it immediately. six bucks, stitched by wee little hands someplace in Thailand, without a doubt worth every cent. 

it is supposedly a travel pillow.

supposedly. 

I still have the one I had as a kid, back in storage at my mom’s place. sounds like an odd thing to keep just for the purpose of sentimentality, doesn’t it? here, let me make it more perplexing — that thing was terribly ugly, I mean just a downright displeasing thing to behold in every sense of the word. I do not mean that it became ugly over time — though it did contract a stain or two over the years — but that it began ugly, was designed ugly, born ugly. it had that same silky elasticane fabric stretched over a mountain of tiny styrofoam balls (just occurred to me how bad those things must be for the planet — also, real question: are they just old broken-down styrofoam that we couldn’t get rid of in its smallest possible form?) the pillow had this ugly, nondescript shape like a poorly executed image stretch, a useless thing to even try and describe. it was light brown, to make things worse, with pastel-pink polkadots, and a black elastic strap on the back for affixing it to a headrest in a car or on an airplane, intended for one of those living dildo-knackers who actually purchase styrofoam-stuffed luxury squish travel pillows and USE THEM IN PUBLIC.

I know what you’re thinking, and you are correct: I have two.

…fair.

but let me just tell you this much: mine are never used in public.

(update: this is still unfinished so check back)

(2/2)

I cried for you in the kitchen last night
before I remembered
I live alone,
just like I wanted.

GUIRI

face streaked with black and the bus people are
either fearful or concerned. nothing
about you is what they would call normal. though at
home you’re just another bland fat kid in a
jersey sweater, here you are something exotic (if
by exotic you mean to imply an irksome foreign
terror threat in flannel visibly stoned at seven-thirty
in the morning unable to keep its paint-stained fingers
off a pen.) ‘You do it well,’ they tell you, and you say
oh! it’s a compulsion!

but it’s eight and you’re late again and you’re wondering
as always
why this goddamned bus is so
painfully slow, time is a physical pressure on your
spinal column that gets worse in the cold, the bus
folks likely can’t relate. it’s almost their naptime already.

GROWTH

GROW A PAI R.

i want to
sha. ke you

GROW A PAIR.

I want to br eak that glass over your fac e

GROW A P AIR.

how much time you’re w a s t i n g

GROW A PAIR.

useless
thing just
standing

GROW A PAIR

knees jut ting in just

GRO W A PA
IR

there’s nowhere to run n ow

GROW

you know

GROW A PAIR.

I hate you more up
close

GROW A PAIR.

if you could
just

GROW

you stupid

GROW A PAIR

cunt, you

GROW A PAIR.

so  sick of   you

GROW

so s i c k
so

GROW A PAIR.

we accept the love

GROW A PAIR.

we
deserve

GROW A PAIR.

we think
we know

GROW A

pair of nothings

GROW

together

A PAIR

you and I

GROW

we

GROW

GROW

GROW

GROW